Monáe's Musings | Fabulous and Fortunate Podcast

I went through some boxes of old assignments and letters this past weekend. As I went through papers and objects, I kept staring in bewilderment at the sentiments I wrote almost 10 years ago. I read over all of the essays and journals I have written over the years and the feeling I felt can best be described as remembrance. As I saw all the award certificates and letters from friends and family near and far, what stood out was what I wrote about myself and my dreams to heal my community.

Seeing your dreams laid bare before you without the noise or influence of others is as much clarity as I could have gotten. I spent that Saturday in a daze, feeling as if I had been woken up and recognizing something in me that I thought was forgotten. Almost as if I was given a portal to venture into a time where there was nothing but pure potential and hope. I remembered how many hopes and aspirations I had when I was younger. Reading old letters and essays I wrote for school assignments loosened something in me. I fully empathized with myself and remembered who I was. A creative, special child who loved to write, act, learn, and read.

If I met me when I was 13, I would have seen the gifts I had and encouraged me to cultivate and always believe in them, even as the world tries to erase this wonder. As I grew up, I lost a good chunk of that childlike wonder somewhere along the way. Maybe from the mounting responsibilities and having further introductions and experiences in the art of disappointment. But what I do know is that I have been loved and supported from the very beginning. And what I do know is that I have the chance everyday to cultivate that 13 year old’s gifts.

“Don’t let the world change you.” I have heard that all my life – most times coming from strangers, other times from people I’ve had a conversation with, but most profoundly from people who have known me since I was born. And although I have been given these warnings, I must admit I have forgotten parts of my wonder at times.

That next day, on Sunday, I decided to just be present for the rest of the day. I didn’t try to control anything, not even what song was playing in the car.

I went to the fair and I was yet again taken back to a distant time. Where my main worries were convincing my mom to let me go to a party or making sure I studied for a test in Algebra. As I rode on a multitude of whimsical rides, I squealed in glee at the fun blows to my adrenal system. And then I felt a sense of shared community and enjoyment, here all of us fairgoers were just partaking in the fun and wonder of the fair.

As funnel cake and greasy food filled my nose, I truly took it in. An autumn breeze that rustled the flare of my pants reminded me of the winds of remembrance. I was fully present and aware of everything around me. I wasn’t thinking about what was due that week. I wasn’t ruminating about what I was possibly missing out on. I wasn’t thinking about everything I have to get done in the coming weeks. I was not even wondering what I would eat for dinner. I was just there, dancing alongside my thirteen year old self, remembering her, giving life to her once again.

As the sun made its descent to give the stage to the moon and a crystalline amber glow shadowed the day, I remembered me. Remembering all the aspirations I had when I was a preteen. How bold and creative my passions were. How I used to write essays about healing my community. I have always been who I am. And I felt my heart melt – melt into a liquid honey that’s sweet, sticky, and never-ending. I know my heart has always been abundant for others, but my heart softened towards myself. And I knew that whatever I decided to do after that, my heart was softened to a degree that would treat me with a profound level of grace and compassion.

After an adorable plush Scooby-Doo toy had been won for me by my partner and we decided we had enough fill of the fair, we made our exit. In keeping up with the mysteries and synchronicities of life, I saw the old friend who I used to go to the fair with. As I turned the corner, she appeared seemingly out of nowhere and my jaw almost dropped. I was floored and I could do nothing but laugh! Here I am, reminiscing and connecting with my younger self who saw the fair as a magical place and I see the person I used to come with. As I smiled at the coincidence and we caught up, I knew I had to delve deeper into the reason I saw her. Out of all the people I could have seen that day, I saw her. Someone who had bore witness to and was apart of so many of the memories I associated with middle school. Someone I took the world on with, with wonder at the forefront.

The most coincidental and divine incidences happen right when I need them to. Almost as if there was an affirming, “Yes, this is a time of softening your heart, returning to who you were before your heart hardened towards yourself.”

I knew then that I had a lot of reflecting to do – all from this display of remembrance, of returning to childlike wonder.

~

Hello little me, oh how I have missed you!

With your bold imaginings and how you looked at the world and always said “There’s nothing I cannot do”

I must say I have not always honored your journey

With everything I have to do making me frequently in a hurry

But thank you for coming back and letting me hold you again

I promise to always acknowledge you and to be your best friend

As the leaves continue to fall and I put pumpkin spice items at the top of my cart

I will always remember this autumn as the one that softened my heart