Monáe's Musings | Fabulous and Fortunate Podcast

Waiting to Exhale is one of my favorite movies. It’s one of my favorites because it talks about the many walks of black womanhood – love, friendships, healing, identity shifts, self-confidence, owning your personhood, reclaiming your soul, want, lust, desire, self-realization, growth, and at the end of it all: forgiveness and acceptance. Forgiveness and acceptance was subtly interlaced into each one of the women’s stories. Forgiveness is such a powerful thing. They were each dealing with a man, and struggling to see their self worth and forgive the past or even themselves.

Robin and Savannah both were trying to forgive themselves for not looking as young and accept that they were aging. Which in turn led to Savannah sleeping with a married man who she thought would eventually leave his wife, probably because she didn’t think she was worthy of better because she was getting “older” and wanted the fairytale life quickly. Bernadine struggled to forgive her husband for cheating on and subsequently leaving her, which led to her being bitter, resentful, and making reckless decisions. Bernadine also struggled to forgive herself, for helping her husband pursue his dreams and supporting him for years, but abandoning her own aspirations and dreams. Gloria couldn’t forgive herself for supposedly being the reason why her and her ex-husband didn’t work out. Which led to her relentlessly making herself overly available, only to later realize that she was never the problem. These women kept running to men who had nothing concrete to offer them.

The exhale that comes when you choose to forgive, choose yourself, and move past things truly feels like an exhale. Because in a way you are exhaling, you’re exhaling strongholds that make unforgiveness and the need for validation rampant. None of these women needed any of the men in their life. But they felt like they did because there were some things they hadn’t come to terms with yet or forgiven. These women ended the movie/book by deciding to exhale so many things that kept them searching for things inside of men and attaching their self worth to having a man or not. They chose to find joy in the love of life and the support they had through their friendships. They reached acceptance.

Unforgiveness and unacceptance leaves a stain on your personhood. Letting go of things and exhaling feels like one of those moments where the floodgates of air rush in and fill your lungs. Walking around mad and confused at the world or even at yourself and always searching for something outside of you is heavy and hurts, physically as well as emotionally. It is draining. Unforgiveness creates tension in your bones, sickness in your cells, and suffocates your breath.

“How could this have happened to me? I can’t get past this. I can never forgive…” You can and you have to for the sake of your life.

Self-forgiveness is even harder, but so necessary. Sometimes when we do things we aren’t proud of we struggle to forgive ourselves. But honestly what good is that doing? When you don’t forgive someone you are choosing them over you. When you don’t forgive yourself you are choosing your past over your present and future. Which in turn does not allow you to have self-acceptance.

Unforgiveness comes from us not being able to accept things that have happened to us or things that we have done. But the past can never be changed, no matter how many times you go over it and ruminate about it in your mind. And unforgiveness gives free to a gateway of being stuck in the past and not moving forward. Unforgiveness sits in your heart and gives so much power to any situation that hasn’t been forgiven.

Once I decided to forgive certain things that have been done to me and some things I have done, I felt love come flooding into my heart. I felt so light and as if I could do anything. Because it is so easy to move forward when you are not chained to your past. It’s like when a ship has a heavy anchor and chain keeping it in place. If that anchor is there it’s not going anywhere. The same is true with forgiveness and acceptance. Because how can your future greet you when you are still cycling with the past?

Robin was never going to be in her 20s again, so eventually she chose to move forward and embrace her 30s and beyond with the same excitement. She no longer clung to a fairytale trope that she had been fed all her life, she chose to exhale and redefine what happiness and fulfillment meant on her terms. Bernadine let forgiveness into her heart and found renewed passion in her dreams, leading the way to her catering business. The women accepted that they each had all that they needed inside of them and to let go of the past.

I have accepted everything that has happened to me and everything I have ever done. It is not easy. Acceptance can be hard sometimes, but it is so, so important. It is not meant for anyone to have to go through life harboring unforgiveness and unacceptance in their heart. It doesn’t allow you to be who you really are.

After the exhale feels like warm breezes, giddiness, and seeing life anew. Being able to be present and embrace everything coming your way, without clinging to who you once were or what once happened in your life. After the exhale is freedom.