Monáe's Musings | Fabulous and Fortunate Podcast

My writings and poetry used to be dark and heavy. I grieved through the pages and the ink of my pen. I was writing to stay alive. I was writing to feel something. And when I couldn’t explain my sorrows to those around me, I knew that the pen would always understand. My poetry became my way of expressing the darkest recesses of my mind. Looking at my writings now from before, I am so grateful to have come out of that dark place. It is truly fascinating to me that I used to be full of so much anger, because now I truly resonate with joy each day. Anger being an emotion I can occasionally call on when needed – but not full of it. Sometimes when I read old poems of grief, I wonder how I came to be who I am today, a woman who sees the beauty in everything. A woman who always waits for the sun to appear after the rain. A soul who will always wait for the sun to shine.

Since I have been in Oregon, I have experienced many types of energies. My spiritual eyes have been opened even more in the overall scope of things. I have done so much healing work these past several months and I am so proud to look at where I am now. I have realized that no matter what may happen, I have my mind and I have my storytelling. I have my love and I have my time in my body. I honor me in all the ways, in all the days. My writings have helped me process everything I have observed in these short two months. I could truly call it a story, The Wild Energies of Oregon. And oh is it a story. I could truly write a novel about what I have observed since I have been here, but that is a story for another time. 

And through writing each day, I have discovered pieces of myself I never knew existed. Never losing that love for myself is what propelled me out of the dark. There is no simple formula to escape the darkness, in a way you never will. But what I have mastered is making peace with the darkness. The yin and the yang of life. There will be highs and there will be lows. That is just the way that it is. And when you love yourself truly and unconditionally, your actions are separate from the love you have for yourself. So no matter what, the love still stays beside me. Sometimes I wish I could go back and comfort past versions of myself that really needed it. As a child I was so trusting of others and looked to others to provide me with love I was yearning for. As I look at some of the writings I made to others during my adolescent years there is so much innocence and a searching for belonging that sometimes it makes me break down and cry. Then as the tears dry I remind myself that I am here for me now. I trust me now. I love me now. I give me what I need now. The love I was searching for from others, has always been in me. The love I have seen is merely a reflection of the love that resides in my heart. And my pen has truly helped me be able to see this.

 I thank my fingers for the words they have formed. I thank my heart for opening itself for my pages. I thank my mind for having the space to form these words that I feel compelled to say. Through writing and reading over my writings, I learn more and more about myself. More about how I view the world, more about what I deserve, and more about the vision I am here to see through. If you were to ask me how I am here today, I would easily say through the words. Through the words I think, read, say, heard, and write. Sometimes it is the words from others that have given me strength when I needed it the most. I have written something everyday for the past couple of years and there are few things that are more humbling than seeing your journey through raw words. Flipping through journal pages of cursive prose and honest thoughts feels like reading my own memoir. This led me to ponder about how we are constantly shifting beings. Going through each day learning and remembering and being. Life and its memories.

I never want to forget Amayah, I never want to forget Monae. My life has been so beautiful to me in so many ways. Through the lessons, the betrayals, the discoverings, the rememberings, the loves, the losses, the joys, the celebrations, the beginnings, the endings, the passions, and the moments. I want to hold on to each day and I want to always remember. Yet, I have realized that the art of letting go and being present in each moment is a skill to be revered. In saying this, I have decided that the words and the writings I have made in this lifetime will never be forgotten. As I write these words, may the Heavens hear me. May my prayers go spiraling into the Heavens with each inhale and exhale of my breath. May I never be forgotten as I am. The words will carry me on to infinity when this physical body no longer does. May this intention spiral into the wind and be remembered by the birds. The courses that I have chosen in fear have been forever altered and I am no longer afraid. I am ready and willing, and that is all that is required of me. To be a woman writing words, to be timeless in my own right. My life is breathed through the words that I write and I honor this knowing all the days of my life.