Monáe's Musings | Fabulous and Fortunate Podcast

If we really lived each day like it was our last, what would we do? What would I do? This has been a concept that’s been on my mind during the past few weeks, especially during this past first week of August. For me it means saying what I mean, and meaning what I say. Being honest in my intentions as well as with myself. Realizing the fragility of existence but also the beauty and wonder of it. Looking inside of myself to better understand the world around me. Coming to the terms of how everything happens for a reason, and subsequently making peace with this realization. Getting to decide whether I will have a day spent choosing to experience joy or a day spent choosing to let things happen to me.

The weekend of my college graduation did not go the way I expected. I missed my flight flying into DC. I missed walking across the stage. I was mistakenly listed as a Magna Cum Laude graduate on the program, instead of the Summa Cum Laude status that I rightfully earned. And I missed my flight home. To say I was devastated would be a dramatic understatement. When I received a phone call telling me that I was supposed to walk on stage the previous day instead of Saturday, when I thought I would, I felt my lungs deflate, my heart plummet, and my body went into fight or flight. I didn’t know whether to cry, scream, fall out, or just laugh. Laugh because one of the most important moments of my life was thwarted and there was nothing I could do about it so laughing would be a direct contrast from what I really wanted to do – fall asleep and not wake up for a few weeks. I remember going through 4 stages of grief. Each stage melding together and bouncing in and out of use. The last one, acceptance, would slowly drift in over the next few days. So I called my partner. I remember calling him, telling him the news, and him immediately sympathizing with me, acknowledging the pain I was going through. He didn’t know what to say except for “I am so proud of you. You still got the degree. You are still graduating from Howard University Summa Cum Laude, and you know what it took to get here. You should be very proud of yourself.” During the commencement the next morning, after Taraji gave her speech, I cried as a form of release and because I know what it took to get that degree. I was surrounded by my graduating class and remembering the parties, late nights spent studying, lessons learned, homecomings attended, friends made, friends lost, love found, crazy nights spent on U St, my introduction to Pan-Africanism, and what I will take from my time at Howard. During the president’s confirmation of degrees, a wave of euphoria washed over me as I realized I was truly done and that was one of the moments I was most in love with myself.

A big part of my healing regarding that event came after I forgave myself and stopped blaming myself. And I am proud of myself. I was accommodated for free for both of my missed flights and still made it to my destinations without stress. I received beautiful graduation gifts. Detours turned into lifelong memories. And there were some monumental divine timing events that happened during those few days that might not have happened had my plans not have been thwarted. There were many conversations that were had that weekend that were telling of all the support that I had in my life.

The night of my graduation I had a small intimate dinner at an upscale northern Italian restaurant on F Street in DC. I felt loved, safe, appreciated, and celebrated. It was one of those moments that you can’t sum everything up with words, no matter how hard you try. You truly would just have had to have been there. I had a grand time and I know everyone else there did too. There were many laughs accompanied by tears, memories shared, reminiscences, and love all around. I left that restaurant feeling on top of the world and experiencing joy. Those next few weeks were one of the best times of my life.

Is that what life’s about? Moments like that when I remember how much fun I had. How alive I felt in those memories. Those different timelines. And how I am so glad I stayed in the moment and truly enjoyed it. Because the memories feel so physical and tangible to me now. It’s almost as if I am able to transport myself back to those moments. If I believe it enough and remember it enough, I can almost smell the sunscreen my partner bought during my birthday trip in Phoenix when it was 103 degrees. Coconut-ty with vanilla. Remembering how it felt when we first drove around the corner to go to Scottsdale and I was immersed in terraneous, stunning mountains and how the sky was painted in the background. A vibrant maya blue, tinged with streaks of eggshell white clouds. There were glimmers of blush pink and gold in the background too, it felt otherworldly. I turned 22 that day and I remember how beautiful I felt and how perfect that moment was. I knew that day was significant in my life story. Looking back I realize that it’s one of the moments that serve as a reminder to how beautiful and picturesque life can be. Days that go so smoothly you couldn’t have pictured it better. I also remember the intention I set for my 22nd birthday: “This will be one of the best birthdays of my life.” And it was.

I can still feel the cold air ripping across my cracked cheeks as me and my partner trekked in downtown Vegas last December in 27 degree weather. The Lyft driver had dropped us off at the wrong spot and we had to walk three quarters of a mile to our correct location. Holding onto each other and me crying from the cold but us both laughing and saying,“I am never going to forget this moment. During my last moments in this life, this will be one of the highlight reels that I hope plays through my mind.” Maybe it was fate that we were dropped off at the “wrong” location. We wouldn’t have worked around it and took on that seemingly long journey together had our Lyft driver followed the GPS. There is so much excitement around having to play with the curveballs life gives you. Either get knocked down or play along, tossing the ball into the air and deciding what to do with it. Find other pieces to fit in the puzzle. Try again and learn from what happened.

You can’t ever get back moments like that, that seem so simple but are so monumental. Or how good it feels when a friend you haven’t talked to in a while texts you about something as random as a Tiktok they found about surprising foods you didn’t know were vegan. Them knowing it would spark conversation because the vegan lifestyle is one of my favorite things to conversate about. Me feeling happy to be reconnected in some way again. In contact with each other and building upon where our friendship left off when we last interacted with each other. Picking things back up as if no time had passed at all. If there is a word for that very specific feeling that’s in between nostalgia and possibility, I would attribute it to that.

Or that eureka moment you have when you realize, and I mean truly realize, that what’s for you is for you. No matter what I do or don’t do, it is just for me, so I shouldn’t stress about if I am doing things the wrong or right way. There really isn’t. And then I realize I know nothing. I mean sure I know things such as what types of teas I like and what vinyl record I want to buy next or how I like my fruit diced. But when I think about it, do I really know? The more I know, the more I don’t. Along the way on this journey of life, I have learned from and taught others, and look forward to continuing doing so. So back to the eureka moment bit, I have to release control of the outcomes of things and just be authentically myself. I cannot control how what I say or do will be perceived by others or how it will affect my life in the end. Because my life has already been written and whatever my destiny is, is just that – my destiny.

Living everyday like it’s my last looks like getting up at 5 am and feeling like it’s just me and the still world. Hearing my thoughts louder than ever and walking outside and hearing morning doves chirping. When my mind, body, and spirit are aligned. Taking a deep breath and telling myself that I have another chance to have an abundant, prosperous day. Another chance to define greatness for myself. Another day to make who I was yesterday proud of me. Another opportunity to decide to choose joy and savor each moment. And knowing that I am here.